The Beatles & the Christmas Miracle!
At NEMS, Brian’s office.
Brian: All right, boys, here are your schedules for the week.
John: I can’t read this.
Paul: Put your glasses on.
John: On what?
George: On dasher! On dancer!
Ringo: On Stupid!
Brian: Please pay particular attention to Friday’s booking: Litherland Town Hall, a Christmas concert for the fans.
John: Our funderful wans! I just want to huggle and kiss all of them!
George: Even the dirty ones?
John: Especially the dirty ones.
Brian: Now, boys, it’s very important you show up on time for this concert. A producer from Granada TV will be there–
George: Sizing us up?
Ringo: Sizing me down, more like.
Paul: C’mon, Ringo. Short jokes are cheap.
John: Ringo’s not cheap. He’s a Starr!
Ringo: Aw, shucks.
Brian: Have you rehearsed your Christmas songs?
Paul: Oh yes, Brian. We’ve got lots of good traditional fare: Mossy the Moleman–
John: God Pressed Ye Fairy Gentleworms–
George: Hark! The Barrelled Angles Swing!
Ringo: All the classics.
Brian: That’s quite enough.
John: Don’t get huffy. Where’s your Christmas spirit? Oh wait. Sorry, Mr. Epstein.
Paul: Don’t worry, Bri. We’re old lags. We’ll knock it out of the shark.
Brian: Well, I hope so. It would be a pleasant Christmas surprise if we could get some exposure on Granada so maybe Decca will give us–
All: A record contract!
John: Mal! Let’s get the van loaded up.
Mal: [nods, starts picking up equipment]
George: C’mon, Mal. Think for yourself.
Paul: You can’t do that.
Ringo: Not a second time.
In the van. Mal’s driving.
Paul: Oi, John, what’d you get Cyn for Christmas?
John: Do you want to know a secret? Nothing, yet. I was thinking I’d draw her a card or something.
George: The personal touch.
John: Hopefully it’ll lead to a personal touch, if you know what I mean, eh?
George: What’d you get Dot, Paulie?
Paul: Don’t call me that. She likes lilies, so I got her a necklace with a lily on it.
Ringo: She’ll lily like that.
Paul: Well, can’t buy me love.
George: But you can rent it.
John: Mal! Are you asleep? Put some oopmh into it! We can’t be late. We’ve a very important date!
Mal: Sorry, fellas. The van’s fresh out of oomph.
George: I didn’t bring any extra oomph.
Ringo: I’ve got plenty in me trousers.
George: Well, go on then.
Ringo: Me other trousers.
Paul: Slow down, slow down!
John: He can’t go any slower!
Paul: Do you see that?
John: What?! Tell me what you see!
Mal: Oh no! [brings van to screeching halt]
George: What’s that?
John: [squinting] Where?
Ringo: Nowhere, man.
Paul: In the middle of the road! It’s… it’s… It’s a blackbird. Let’s go look.
[standing around a blackbird in the middle of the road, hopping around]
John: She’s got a broken wing.
George: All she needs is love.
Paul: There, there, little bird. Take this broken wing and learn to fly.
Bird: Chirp chirpity chirp chirp chirpity!
John: And your bird can sing!
Paul: Let it be, let it be.
John: C’mon, little bird. Don’t let me down!
Paul: Did you see that?
Paul: Sing something, sing something!
John: You sing something. She love you.
Paul: Yeah, all right.
[Paul performs Blackbird as the bird figures out how to fly again and flies off]
George: Thank you, Ringo. That was wonderful.
Ringo: It ain’t easy.
Paul: What time is it? Brian is going to have his knickers in a right twist if we’re late!
John: Some folk need their knickers twisted.
George: Some folk make a good living twisting other people’s knickers.
Paul: [looks at watch] Good golly, Miss Molly!
Ringo: What folly.
Paul: We’ve got to hoof it!
John: Mal! You daft git! Let’s go!
[Litherland Town Hall stage, curtain still drawn. Brian is standing there, fists on hip, tapping his foot, fuming. The boys pour in]
Brian: Yes, well, I knew you would do this.
Ringo: [to the others] Act naturally.
Brian: Oh come off it, lads. Say the word. Say the word and I’ll be free.
Ringo: Free as a bird?
John: What’re you going on about, Brian?
Brian: You clearly don’t want that record contract. Why else would you be late to such an–
John: Important date?
Brian: Ask me why. Tell me why I try. If you can’t be on time to such a major event–
Paul: Wait. We’re getting better all the time. Besides, it wasn’t our fault.
George: Not guilty.
Paul: We saved a bird!
Paul: We did it in the road.
Brian: I don’t have time for this. The audience has been stamping their feet and yelling for the next act. The Grenada producer is still here. You’ve got your Christmas numbers ready to go?
John: Yep, Oh Holy Blight.
Paul: I’m dreaming of a Blight Christmas.
George: Silent Blight.
Brian: [sighing] Fine, fine. Go. I don’t care anymore.
Ringo: Don’t worry, Brian. It’ll work out.
Brian: How? How will it? You’re an hour late and you keep making dumb jokes?!
Ringo: I don’t know. It’s a miracle.
[the Beatles take the stage and perform a perfect, rocking version of “Christmas Time (Is Here Again)”]
Brian: My god. Ringo was right. A Christmas miracle.
[A black bird lands on Brian’s shoulder]
Bird: Chirp chirp! Chirp!
Brian: Oh my. Oh goodness.
Bird: Chirp! Chirp! Chirp!
Brian: What is it? What is it, little bird?
John: [hollering from the stage] Mistletoe! Give him a big fat wet one, Bri!
Brian: [Brian looks up and sees the mistletoe over his head] He’s not my type!
Paul: [to the audience] Thank you all very much. We’re simply having a wonderful Christmas time. We’d like to tell you, from us to you–
George & Ringo: Happy Christmas!
John: So this is Christmas!
Ringo: Good night, everyone, everywhere.